You can't motorboat a personality
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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