Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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