I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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