i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
