just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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