the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
