I hate your face
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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