I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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