Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
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I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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