We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
