I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
