tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
