Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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