Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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