Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
