"it" just moved
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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