I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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