I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
When are your genitals available?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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