Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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