when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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