I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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