it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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