I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
