someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
