Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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