life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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