so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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