You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
