I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
