I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
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You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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