You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
