i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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