I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
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Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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