My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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