I want to make a zoo with you.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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