I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
