wanna go halves on a baby?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
