Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The dick lei will go down in squad history
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
