She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
