I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
