You smell like stripper and shame
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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