i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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