so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
