Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
