did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize