And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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