dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
