just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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