I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
