My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
