as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
