Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
